Walking Alongside Grief During the Holidays
Holidays. October through December are whirlwind months of connecting with family, baking, cooking, shopping, and celebrating. The holidays are magical moments of family time.
Holidays. A time of uncertainty, sadness, milestones, and not knowing how to be when missing a loved one has either passed or isn’t able to spend time with the family.
What I’ve learned after missing my dad for 25 years and my son for 14 is that it’s OK to not be OK during the holidays or any time of the year for that matter. Yet the holidays add this pressure to figure out how to remember that loved one and to feel comfortable not being as jovial as everyone else. To be comfortable with being sad that this person you love is no longer at your table or celebration.
When I first lost Nick, I not only worried about not breaking down at every milestone but how I could remember him at family celebrations. The emotional turmoil made me sick to my stomach. I loved my family, wanted to be with them. Yet I couldn’t revel in the festivities that reminded me so much of Nick and what he was missing—what we would never have again as a family.
Here are some ways I’ve ridden the waves of grief during the holidays. These thoughts are personal to me but also have been shared by others during their grief journeys.
Nick and Stephen Thanksgiving 2007
Here are some ways I’ve ridden the waves of grief during the holidays. These thoughts are personal to me but also have been shared by others during their grief journeys.
Place a setting for that person. It’s a way to hold space and energy. I wasn’t ready to not have a space for my son. Yes, it was a reminder that he was missing but it also was a way to remember him.
Display a photo and light a candle. I always have a photo of Nick and his two grandfathers next to a lit candle. It brings them into the room for me. If you’re going to a family member’s house and this important to you, let them know. Be willing to bring a photo and candle if that’s how you’d like to honor/remember someone. For Thanksgiving, we go to my sister, Michele’s house. She lights a candle for Nick, our dad, and other family members who are no longer with us. It’s a tiny action but packs a huge amount of love that I feel throughout the day.
Serve their favorite food or dessert. Nick’s was lasagna and cream puffs.
Go around the table and say what you love about that person.
Get involved with a local charity and support them on a day that brings you sadness (if that’s someone you emotionally and physically are ready for). Giving often heals but your self-care must come first.
Get in some movement. Go for a walk.
Switch up your holiday and do something you never did with that family member. Travel, go to a friend’s house, eat a different meal, try an activity you always wanted to do.
Look at photos and videos. Sometimes in a group it’s less painful and sometimes it may time to be able to do this.
Write a note to your loved one. The morning of any holiday and Nick’s birthday, I sit in a quiet place, usually before anyone else is awake. I light a candle, brew some tea and think about my boy. I may write about what we have planned for the day, who is going to be there, where we’re going, and what I think he’d be doing if he was physically here with us. I’ll let him know what his little brother has been up to, some family news, the dogs’ shenanigans, and how much I miss him.
This simple act of writing brings him closer to me. It’s like I’m writing a letter that I’d send. As I write, I always cry and feel a flood of sadness and grief that he’s missing another family gathering. This is part of my process because once I’m done, I feel like I had a beautiful visit with my son. I’m emotionally ready to be present and enjoy the day and those gathered.
For supporters/loved ones of those on a grief journey, you can support them by:
Inviting a friend/family member over. They may feel isolated by their grief. Love and connection are soothing balms.
Asking what support looks like to them?
Being sensitive to a person’s grief journey. We grieve differently and their journey should be honored.
Understanding that grief never leaves us. I’ve learned to walk alongside it but sometimes like a tired child, it begs to be lifted into my arms again.
If appropriate and feels right, ask them to share a story about their loved one.
o What’s their name? (You may have just met someone grieving.)
o What was their favorite food?
o Tell me a holiday story about the two of you or with your family?
o I’d love to see a photo of them.
o Be present and stay compassionately curious keeping them at the center of your care.
Do Not:
Share a story of your loss that is meant to show that theirs could be worse.
Give advice based on someone else’s similar situation (unless asked for guidance).
Say, “Everything happens for a reason.”
Say, “Well at least…
You had him for 13 years.”
He’s no longer suffering.”
Time heals all wounds.”
Try to fix a person’s grief. Create a comforting space for them to be.
Know that it’s OK if they are sad or cry. Show love with a hug, a squeeze of their hand, touch on the shoulder, a shared tear. We are humans who feel emotions on a soul level. The world is not easy. A simple act of kindness, compassion, and empathy goes a long way.
Your grieving traditions may change with the years and the holidays. I have recently figured out that it’s OK to be OK during the holidays and still miss my son and dad. It’s OK when a bubble of laughter escapes, a smile tickles my mouth, warmth surrounds my heart. The rollercoaster of emotions, the ebb and flow of memories wreak havoc on our feelings during holidays and anniversaries but that doesn’t stop life, nor should it. I’ve learned that this duality of joy/sorrow, happiness/sadness, laughter/crying, loving those around me while missing the one I love is part of life.
Also visit www.grief.com, a helpful website by David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief
May you have peace and comfort this holiday season. May you feel joy even in the midst of your personal sorrow.