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close up of a Monarch butterfly on a background of colorful flowers — Photo by Swilmor from Getty Images

There’s a magical place in the Adirondacks called Double H Hole in the Woods Ranch. It’s a camp for children with serious medical conditions. Even the name sounds mystical, like a portal into a world where pain doesn’t stop playing.

When Nick was in treatment for cancer, our family was often separated. Nick and I would be in the hospital, while my husband and younger son were at home. Nick’s doctor had planned to schedule a weekend away for us to simply be a family, but Nick never made it to the ranch. He died four months after diagnosis.

Almost a year later on Saturday, September 19, 2009, I ventured to the Remembrance ceremony at the ranch. The celebration was for all the children who had earned their ‘angel wings.’ Eight just in that last year.

I remember listening to parents devastated by the loss of their children. A couple who had lost their only child, Forrest, sang a song as photos of birds flashed on a screen.

They missed being parents. Singing together and in community offered possibilities for healing.

One woman stepped to the front of the room and explained how her new puppy was the reincarnation of her child. She appeared worn and sallow, but the possibility of her child’s spirit being so close gave her a spark in her eyes.

Her words have stayed with me all these years. I didn’t balk, disagree, or begrudge her this belief. When she hadn’t known where her child was, being connected to the dog gave her hope.

I was the third parent to speak. As I stood in front of a heartbroken gathering, pain scratched at my heart. In an unsteady voice, I spoke about how I thought I could heal Nick with doctors, Reiki energy healing, and imagery. It didn’t happen in the way I wanted. Also not in the way that Nick–in his human form–wanted. He wished to stay with his earth family.

But it was for his soul’s highest and best good for his body to die.

Poof.

My son was gone.

Tada.

I would learn that his spirit lives on. It’s a spiritual magic that took a while to trust, to learn how to navigate, but it led toward healing.

This opened up possibilities. I explained how special every parent there was. Their child chose them to help their soul on this human journey.

It’s an honor to be my boys’ mom.

I read this poem.

These words soothe and remind me of the magical healing power of LOVE.

Of living with your child–your loved one–in a new way. One that may not be physical, but mystical, spiritual.

Trusting the Unknown, the Unseen gives me HOPE.

I may not know where my spirit son is right at this moment, but I know his soul resides close by. He flits in and out like a sprite. He enjoys playing tricks but also sprinkles his LOVE over me. Then he jets off to spaces undisclosed.

After I read A Gift, parents shared how my words helped. They were chosen. There’s always a connection. Trust the signs. Have hope and know that our children are with us.

Candles were lit for all of these beautiful spirits. In a garden, we released Monarch butterflies . Mine flew up to my face then took off.

Oh, my busy little sprite. I see you. I feel you. I know you in a different way. You have been off and running since I held you in my arms.

I trust in the magic of possibilities.

I know Nick is connected to me on a soul level that is as real as the pen and journal I used to write this article.

We’re all energy.

We’re all magical.

May you be filled with hopeful possibilities.

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