It’s OK to Not be OK
Miami Beach, FL
Over the years, my journal has been a stalwart listener as I released my emotions. Before milestones and holidays, whether the 1st or 15th, I get up early, settle in with my cup of tea and write to Nick. The tears, body shakes, sadness, and wondering flow out of me as quickly as my words. It’s my Milestone Meltdown. I cherish this time to connect with my son. Yet, I also need to release emotions to not only get through the day but to be present with those who are physically with me.
From 2009 to 2021, I put my heart and soul into Nick's Fight to be Healed. A non-profit that my husband and I founded to emotionally and financially support pediatric cancer patients in our Albany, NY, USA area.
I gained a reputation of having it together and quite honestly that was the appearance I strived to present.
Strong, Steady, Sturdy.
Unwavering.
I could stay composed through a fundraiser, supporting and lifting up family members, raising money, and talking with reporters.
That was something I could control—helping others. It was important to me to show people that they could survive what most felt was unimaginable.
It wasn't sustainable.
Cracks developed.
My family and friends knew what it cost me. Those small fissures in my facade would breakthrough like when the song Hallelujah played before our annual run. That was the song Nick wanted to sing solo at his 7th grade chorus concert.
Nick’s 7th grade chorus concert
When someone asked if I had children and I said 2 but one died, they would say, “I could never survive that.” They didn't see me walk away with tears streaming down my face. Not from their words but from the pain to keep moving forward.
It took 13 years for me to understand that:
It's OK to NOT be OK.
That I didn't have to fix everyone, in order to heal myself.
That being broken isn't bad. It's just who I am at that moment.
So many people looked to me to show them the way to grieve, but there isn't one way. There are an infinite number of ways—as there are people. I’m glad I’ve been able to help people on their grief journey.
But I had to let people know that I wasn't OK. I had to let go of something that was doing so much good in the community, because I was at the point where hiding and stuffing down was causing irreparable emotional and physical damage.
When I let that go, it was like doors and windows opened. Possibilities breezed through and cleared the heavy weights I thought I had to hold up for everyone—as well as myself.
What opened up?
Giving myself grace.
Listening to my body when it needed rest.
Saying no when something felt too heavy. And being OK with that.
Setting boundaries around my grieving.
Being honest with myself and others.
Being OK with having a down day. Taking time for me.
Loving both my boys in brighter ways.
Reconnecting with my husband and life.
Having ebb and flow days in my grieving ocean.
I ride those waves of grief in a way that I couldn't before. I understand the waves better and joyful flows are more frequent.
What do I do when I'm not OK?
Journal
Get tea with a friend
Walk
Connect with my earth son
Hug my husband
Write to Nick
Take a bath
Share my story
Love all of me